Assalamu Alaikum,

My brother,

I am looking for a clear understanding with daleel on 3 points on what Allah wants from the following:

1)The relationship between a wife and a mother in law. As you will probably know, in the Asian Subcontinent, the rights in this relationship are exceeded and caused many fitnas to all concerned. I understand that a wife has no duty to the mother/father of the husband, does this mean also that the wife has no reason to try to develop a realtionship with husband parents by phoning, visiting with grandchildren when husband cannot accompany them etc?

2)Again in the asian culture when a girl marries her husband the mentality is one of she has left her family and gone to a new family. Her emphasis on mataining kith and kin is now to her husband family and on a lesser scale to her own family. The children should her closer relationships with the husbands side rather than the wife side. Furthermore, if it sensed that the wife visits her immediate family and her extended family whenever there is time available rather than visit the husbands side this is seen as an improper marriage.

3)Do grandparrents have any right over the grandchildren? Visiting rights, having the kids stay over their house, what if grandparents are not practising, ie they watch indian films and other unsuitable programs. What should be done if grandparents do not respect certain requests when children stay with them and leads to a situation where the kids can only go over when one of the parents can be there aswell.

Jazak Allah khairun,

Your brother

Reply:

wa alaykum as-salam,
There are many things that require a bit of flexibility on our ends to make the human relation work. There are cultural things which we all experience where some times they are not Islamic. Other times they are allowed. I think there is a better way to think about issues than in terms of ' If its not haram, I will do it and if its not Fard, I will not do.' While a person who thinks like that might not fall in the haram and might fulfill the basic duties, such person is only meeting the most basic and most required. By that, the person will be missing so many blessings (Hasanat) in going beyong the bear minimum. If the women/man shows kindness to the in-laws, not because they have to, but because they want to get close to Allah with such kind deed, is it not better than not showing it. In the first case, the person gets a reward which might be the deed that will tip the scale on the Day of Judgement and enter them into heaven. Not to mention that it is part of our Deen to honor the elders as the Messenger (saaws) said, "it is not one of us who does not show respect to our elders."

As for visiting ones family, the woman needs to maintain her "Rahm" relationship. It is true that her husband can tell her not to go, but for the life of me, I can't imagine why someone would do that. The Messenger (saaws) said, "the best of you is the best to his family". Relationships amongst Muslims and definitly the family, need to be mainainted. Now if the in-laws or grandparents do something that is un-Islamic, they need to be talked to. These in-laws are either the parents of the husband or the wife so someone needs to advise them. One thing in our cultural is that we do not correct our elders as it might be seen as disrespect. This is wrong. We should advice them and correct them in the best manner we know how. It is Islam who made us respect and look after them and hence Islam is more worthy of respect. If they do something that you don't want the kids to be part of let them know. So visiting them not at any price, and being with them is not at cost. My point my brother is to make them aware of what is right and what is wrong. This is how we maintain a healthy Islamic relationship with other Muslims, not to mention Allah Ta'ala.

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