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Assessing the Spouse-to-be
Each individual is a unique case, and there is really no
''universal'' set of questions to ask, but however you want to approach your spouse-to-be, it should be geared towards assessing how that individual thinks (and more importantly, IF that individual thinks). Somebody who simply practices certain aspects of Islam but does not think deeply about issues, would
not qualify for a prospective spouse.
The Prophet (saaws) said in a hadith that men
will marry a woman based on four things: Her Deen, her looks, her
family/lineage, and her wealth. In general, men will look for these
things in a woman, and Islam acknowledges this. Allah (swt) created
the human nature, and therefore, His Message will not contradict or
suppress it. Although Islam did not suppress or deny the nature and
impulses of the human beings, Islam did not leave it up to us to
satisfy this human nature on our own. Rather, Islam directed us to
satisfy this human nature in a manner that would be productive and
create tranquility among individuals and society. In this context,
the Prophet (saaws) mentions that men will marry a woman for her
wealth, her looks, and her family, but he (saaws) also said in the
same hadith that the first priority should be her Deen, i.e. her
taqwa and obedience to Allah (swt).
Thus, we should not deny our physical desires to look for a spouse who his financially secure, comes from a good family, and is physically attractive, and Islam does not expect us to deny or suppress them. However, at the same time, these physical desires should not be at the expense of the most important aspect in choosing a spouse: His/her
taqwa, obedience to Allah (swt), and their commitment to Islam. Given a choice between a woman who is exceptionally beautiful and wealthy but whose taqwa is questionable, and a woman who is
good looking and not so wealthy but whose taqwa and commitment to Islam are exceptional,
the latter would definitely qualify as a better choice.
We should be very careful not to look at things and formulate conclusions based on wishful thinking or justifying. Wishful thinking is defined as perceiving the reality the way we want it to be and not looking at the reality for what it is.
Everyone would want to choose a spouse based on his/her Islamic
character; however, we should not rush to conclude that such a
person is 'good' and insist on this stance because we wish for the person
to be 'good' , even when we are shown that the character of such an
individual is inconsistent with what Allah (swt) has defined. We should remember that, as Muslims, our reference is Islam, which means that Islam is our criterion for evaluating things.
This was not an issue when the thinking of Muslims were elevated and
the 'deen' was completely implemented.
However today the meaning of the word 'deen' is not understood the
way it should be.
When to get married ?
This idea of having to get a degree is more driven by
''cultural baggage'' than anything else. For one thing, it falls short of simple common sense; somebody who is in medical school or pursuing an advanced degree in college is typically not going to aspire to become a truck driver or garbage collector. Therefore, you can usually tell if an individual has the capabilities and
demonstrates the potential to have a semblance of a career while that person is still in school. And anybody who has been in the work force long enough will now tell you that times have changed. With the exception of a few fields, the job market is a complete failure as society worldwide edges closer towards true Capitalism, and a degree is becoming less and less significant.
Our take on the issue: Do away with the Third World mentality that the only route to success is getting good grades and earning a degree. If you have this mentality, then you will remember only the toil and hardship of all the studying, the last-minute cramming, the sleepless nights, and all the other hardships you endured to make the grade. Go to school and learn because it is an obligation as Muslims to seek knowledge; this will put the passion into learning and create an internal momentum to seek knowledge, which will push you to excel by default. In parallel, start developing a business personality from early on. That way, you will not have to depend upon a
''job'' (slave) market to find work for you; rather, you can create your own work and forge your own career using your creativity.
If somebody feels more comfortable insisting that a prospective spouse possess a degree, then he or she is welcome to it, as long as it does not blind that person to other factors that are of equal or more importance.
Ethnicity, Tastes, and Customs - Do they
matter ?
A culture is a set of ideas and concepts that define a particular outlook and establish a unique set of norms, values, and behavior. With this definition, it should be very clear that the only culture for Muslims is the Islamic culture. Things such as preferences for certain types of food and clothing, or language, are more like TASTES and HABITS, and people will acquire different tastes and habits depending upon where they were raised. Islam allows for all of this, as long as these different tastes, habits, and customs fall within the realm of the Mubah (permissible actions).
Now the question that we should ask ourselves in looking for a prospective spouse is: What will play a more significant role in defining the relationship and
determine whether or not the marriage will work? If we as Muslims understand Islam correctly and we adhere to the Islamic culture and way of life, then really we should not have a problem with any Muslim, regardless of their nationality and ethnicity. Even though we have different tastes, habits, and customs, we have the same culture and outlook, which means that we refer to the same reference, we think from the same frame of mind, we look at issues in the same manner, we behave and act according to the same set of rules, and we have the same overall objective in life, which is to please Allah (swt) and obey Him in all aspects. And we will find that it is very easy to accommodate one another, given our different preferences for food and clothing, our different tastes and customs, and our different habits.
However, if somebody is more comfortable marrying somebody of the same ethnicity with the same taste and preferences, then that is acceptable, as long as this does not done for
tribal reasons.
Responsibility of husbands to present Islam
intellectually
Many Muslim women have a negativity towards Islam, as if there is something about the Islamic culture that is distasteful. And
the reason for this are two. First, the media and educational systems have constantly portrayed Islam and the Islamic culture and system as being oppressive or discriminatory towards women. However, what is even more destructive is the behavior of Muslims, and especially the Muslim men, which only confirms what is propagated in the media. Unfortunately, this type of behavior is local culture and chauvinism mixed with Islam, but the result is that Islam's reputation is damaged.
This is a very serious problem because we are not only talking about half of our Ummah, but that part of the Ummah that is going to raise our children and our future generation. Therefore, we have a great responsibility at presenting Islam in the correct manner, and the brothers have a special responsibility in demonstrating Islam through their behavior and actions in such a way that our sisters will be attracted to Islam and not pushed away. Otherwise, we are asking for trouble, in this life and in the Hereafter.
The influence of Western culture has had a negative impact upon the woman. However, we need to recognize that because of this influence and because of the negative portrayal of Islam in the media, an intellectual barrier has been erected between Islam and many of our sisters, and our approach to this problem should be intelligent and well thought out. Simply retorting with blank statements like
''you have to cover'' and ''you have to obey your husband'' does not solve the problem. In fact, such an approach may actually strengthen the barrier that already exists.
Conclusion
It is so complicated these days because the Islamic system and way of life are absent from our lives, and the total implementation of Islam will make it very easy for young brothers and sisters to get married without any of the complications we witness today. Also, the entire Muslim Ummah has lost its system of priorities. Rather than looking towards the things that matter (such as obedience to Allah, good character), we look either to those things that we cannot change and have no control over (rizq from Allah,
place of birth) or we look to those things that do not matter and have no impact on the success of a marriage (such as driving a certain car or making a CERTAIN AMOUNT of money as opposed to ENOUGH money to support a family and make a decent living).
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